News You Wouldn’t Believe

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ROBERT CLEMENTS

One of the tabloids some time ago had most of its first page blank; boxed in the middle in small font was the grim and distressing news that ‘Today’s news is being withheld as India is under attack from the Pakistanis, Bangladeshis and an elite squadron of handpicked warriors from around the world!’

Naturally I chuckled at this ingenious bit of advertising as I turned the page and found it was a promotional advertisement.

Well it almost had me believing something dreadful had happened and I remembered more than two decades ago when good ole Rusi Karanjia’s ‘Daily’ had come out on April First with the headlines: ‘South Breaks Away’. It was a superb bit of tomfoolery and had most readers actually believing that South India had broken away and formed a separate state under President Sanjiva Reddy.

But alas, there are headlines nobody will believe, lets imagine a few:

‘India- Pak To Open Borders!’

Last night both the Indian Parliament and Pakistan Senate decided to open their borders to each other: No more visa hassles, security checks or currency changes for Pakistani’s or Indians anymore!’

‘Religion Disallowed in Elections!’

The cabinet and members of the opposition signed a momentous bill saying that religion and reference to any religion would automaticallydebar for life any party or candidate standing for any election in the country:

‘All Cases to Be Tried Immediately’

Thousands of courts will be constructed throughout the land and thousands of judges appointed as representatives agreed that in a democracy it was not just the right of the majority that mattered but quick implementation of the law of the land. Justice had to be balanced with Superiority of numbers for Democracy not to become a mobocracy. Construction work of courts has already started on a war footing and also the appointment of judges.

‘Police Force Given Independent Charge’

After years of following the old British colonial system of having a police force that acted on the whims of the government in power, where police become the personal army of politicians, Parliament unanimously decided to free the police from the shackles of the decadent system!

And finally, ‘Modi Given Life Imprisonment’

Tried by an international court Modi was imprisoned for life, for his involvement in the riots! This sentence is being carried out even before the next elections! Somehow I get the feeling the last one will be believed, and will catapult him even faster into the PMs chair! Such is our country..!

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