I Plan to Monetise My Conscience

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I could not do it earlier as it did not form part of the Parivar agenda

Abdul Qadir | Clarion India

RIGHTLY or wrongly, I regard my conscience as the only asset. I have inherited this asset and as such I am not in love with it. Rather that is why I want to get rid of it so that I am not called a ‘Naamdar’.

People may ask why I have decided to monetise it when I had the option of outright sale. ‘Nalayaq people sell family silver’. Smart men just monetise them. The end result of both acts is the same but by monetising I would escape the ‘nalayaq’ tag.

To be frank, the conscience has never done anything good to me. Rather it has always grounded my jumbo flights. Unlike better known consciences, it pricks all the time making a hell of my life. I have tried many times to send the conscience in hibernation and time its prick only when I want to take a U-turn. But it has always refused either to go into hibernation or stop wrong time pricks.

As such, I find monetisation as the best option. I could not do it earlier as it did not form part of the Parivar agenda. There are several advantages of monetising the conscience. A monetised conscience acquires liquidity and as such it is comfortable in a vessel of any shape, colour and size.

Once the conscience gets monetised, I would start loving puppies as much as I do love human beings. Maybe, I would love puppies more than I love human beings as unlike puppies they (men, women and children) do not come under the wheels so easily.

There are other advantages as well. With a monetised conscience I can not only justify rapes, I would rather exhort people to do it both individually and collectively, preferably the latter. Rape victims do not deserve life and as such it is better to make them sleep permanently. They can easily be called women of easy virtue.

With a monetised conscience I can also pass lewd remarks against women in general and powerful and celebrity women in particular. There are enough people available to make a thunderous applause at each lewd remark and cat calls. The more obscene the cat calls, the more thunderous the applause would be. Like everything else, applause too does not come free and they have to be bought. I am consulting legal experts to ascertain whether applause for lewd remarks can be bought with the court approved electoral bonds. Then I also can easily marry ‘separatists’ and ‘anti nationals’ and still remain a 24-carat patriot.

Friends remind me that this conscience has lived with me for six long decades and why not bear it for a few more years. My reply is that with age my body has become frail and it can no longer carry this load.

True, I could have done it earlier and it would have been much more rewarding in every walk of life including politics, business, spiritualism and academics, etc.

But Nehru is responsible for this loss of mine. Had Nehru and Nehruvian ideas not been there I would have done it much earlier and it would have been much more rewarding. Nehru told me that building assets was any day better than monetising them. And then there was little asset for monetisation during Nehru’s time. He built assets we should now monetise.

Down with Nehru.

PS: With a monetised conscience I offer my services either as a seven-star spokesperson or prime time anchor

Abdul Qadir is a senior journalist based in Gaya, Bihar. He writes on contemporary politics with an occasional pinch of pun and satire.

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