A Letter to Coronavirus

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Abdul Qadir | Clarion India

Dear Covid-19  

NOW that you are more than two years old, you are eligible to work as a receptor to ‘Mere Mann ki baat’. Covid, I have something in common with you and as such I will pour my non existent heart before you.

I said we have something in common and I stand by it. We, both love international travel and travel very fast. Sometimes I envy your itinerary. You have never looked back from the day you started your journey from Wuhan. But I can not afford that luxury as the penny wise pond foolish kind of people start calculating how many thousand crores of dollars have been spent on my tours and how many droplets of aviation fuel have been consumed. The best I could manage was ‘Italian Pizza’ as lunch in Houston and ‘Biryani’ dinner in Lahore.

These idiots do not appreciate that while travelling I sleep in the cart to save on hotel bills and do not allow others even a pillion ride. Moreover I have friends everywhere and as such I have an obligation to visit them. But let me confess that I have not been to several countries that you invaded so effortlessly.

There is another reason why I like you so much. Let me confess that you are the only genuine contributor to the ‘Make India’ campaign as, soon after your birth you came with the ‘Indian variant’. But people who have held the country back by seventy years did not like it and got the ‘Indian variant’ renamed as Delta variant. As Tulsidasji said. What is there in a name. Call Gulab as Gobar and it will remain equally beautiful and fragrant.

Anti Indians attribute this quote on name calling to someone called Shakespeare. But in fact our own Tulsidasji said it and I will direct text book writers to make the necessary correction.

I speak straight from the heart and let me tell you that even though the whole world is fond of roses, I hate the flower simply because it was close to Nehru’s large heart. Doctors say that enlargement of the heart is not good and the country continues to suffer on account of Nehru’s large heartedness.

Though I too love changing names as I can not change anything else as effortlessly and I have done the renaming of Mughalsarai and Allahabad, but I do not appreciate changing ‘Indian variant’ into Delta variant. Accidentally we got something we would have loved to call our own. Let it be that way.

We would seek revenge by renaming ‘Gandhinagar’ as Godse Gram. For how long Godse will remain unacknowledged? We are also toying with the idea of renaming Delhi as Hastinapur. Please suggest some good name for Ahmedabad and Firozpur. Pathankot too needs a name change. Parhankot looks too Pakistani a name.

Now tell me how are you doing? Somebody was telling me that you have now become ‘mild’. I just want to tell you that ‘mildness’ is a Congress disease that got eradicated in 2014. Please do not allow it to grow again. Be firm with your second generation aggressiveness where ‘Qabristan and Shamshan’ become vibrant. Conclaves do not bring vibrancy to places. It is the virus that makes dreaded places like Shamshan 24×7 vibrant. Please do not give up in the middle.

If you become mild, people will once again become non spiritual and start talking about mundane things like price rise, joblessness, Chinese designs. They may even throng banks to get their passbooks updated in the hope of a credit side entry of Rs 20 lakhs

Please, for God’s sake do not embrace moderation. It will not do any good to either you or me. People will stop fearing you and they will also start auditing my performance. I can tame and maim the CAG but public audit is a different cup of tea.

Covid dear, that I love you does not mean that I have no complains against you. My chief complaint against you is that you put ‘Ramzade’ and ‘Haramzade’ on the same footing. That is not fair. You have to be indulgent towards the ‘Ramzade’ and make up the loss from the ‘Haramzade’ camp. Unlike others Indians, the ‘Ramzades’ gained freedom only in 2014. They have yet to celebrate their eighth birthday and as such they need ‘hate nurseries’ and not the sand bed.

I would love you even more if you select your targets by the colour and cloth design and not indulge in randomness. Selection of targets on the basis of food habits too would not be a bad idea. I am told that ‘beef eaters’ stand low in your priority as you have a dislike for protein. That is not fair. If that is true, you can change your protocol. In any case, unlike the Indian constitution, the basic structure of Coronavirus can be changed. Only some resolve at your end is required.

Some fools say that ‘herd’ immunity will signal your departure. You still have an unfinished agenda, the agenda of ‘cleansing’. Total cleansing is beyond human power. A virus like you is needed for the purpose. I know the herd better. All the sheep roaming in the herd need not survive. Most sheep is destined for the slaughter houses. We would be developing mechanised slaughter houses. Lesser the number of sheep, the warmer the shepherd feels.

Take care. Go strong. Do not give up that easily.

Your,

Sewak

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Abdul Qadir is a senior journalist based in Gaya, Bihar. He writes on contemporary politics with an occasional pinch of pun and satire.

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