Losing my husband and journalist, Zubair Ahmed, to suicide was a heart-wrenching experience. The journey through grief has been long and arduous, filled with emotional turmoil, stigma, and strained relationships. However, with support, understanding and time, I’ve found ways to navigate this difficult path and live with the pain
Sajida A Zubair | Special to Clarion India
My heart aches as I remember those dark days when my husband’s laughter was replaced by tears, and his once bright eyes became hollow with despair. Each day felt like a battle against an invisible enemy, he fought with it from inside and I fought tirelessly by his side, my heart breaking with each passing moment.
There were nights when his sobs echoed through the silence, tearing at my soul as I held him close, desperate to chase away the demons that haunted him. I felt his pain as if it were my own, his anguish carving a gaping hole in my chest that no amount of love could fill.
But it was the moments when he spoke of ending his pain every day that shook me to my core. He talked about death most of the time. His favourite song changed to “The time when death comes you must sit near me for some time…” from a Malayalam movie, Spirit, which he kept singing to me. The mere thought of losing him sent shivers down my spine, and I clung to him with all the strength I had, praying that my love would be enough to keep him here with me.
The constant refrain of death by him and ending his life was too overwhelming for me and I started getting into self-doubt. There were moments when I questioned my strength when I wondered if I was enough to save him. I felt the weight of his pain bearing down on me, threatening to crush me beneath its unbearable burden.
I would cry my heart out in the silence of the nights when everyone was asleep. I prayed to the Almighty to bless me with patience and strength to help my beloved. At times, I felt like screaming and letting the world around me know how broken I was inside. But even in my darkest moments, I refused to give up on him or us. I decided to learn more, read more, and do more.
I searched endlessly for answers, scouring the internet for any shred of hope, pouring over books and articles, enrolling myself in counseling courses, desperate to find a way to ease his suffering. But it felt like I was drowning in a sea of uncertainty, my efforts being futile against the tide of his illness. He started abusing his medicines to make the world around him invisible. He refused to continue his treatment as his guilt of being a burden on the family grew. He pretended to be all right, but I knew the truth. I knew what the world did not; it did not have the faintest idea what he had been going through.
I held onto the promise of tomorrow, knowing that as long as we faced the darkness together, we could find our way back to the light. And slowly, ever so slowly, I began to see the glimmers of hope shining through the darkness. Zubair’s laughter returned, tentative at first, but growing stronger with each passing day.
Our journey, however, was far from over. There were still days when the dark clouds threatened to return. There were times when I felt like giving up, physically drained, and emotionally exhausted. But I held onto the bond of love and understanding that bound us together, knowing that as long as we had each other, we could weather any storm that came our way.
But then, one day, the darkness consumed him completely. Despite my best efforts and the love that I showered on him, despite his parents’ unconditional love and siblings’ support for their brother, my husband decided to end his pain.
The news hit me like a freight train, leaving me gasping for air as I struggled to comprehend the magnitude of my loss. The world around me had collapsed. I could not even think about our children. I felt betrayed. I felt alone in the whole wide world. I questioned my existence. And as I sat by his still body, my heart shattered into a million pieces, the pain of his absence echoing through the emptiness inside me.
Trauma of Depression
It’s been two years since he left. Even now as I try to pick up the pieces of my shattered life, I find myself haunted by the questions that were left unanswered. His myriad memories leave me incapable of letting him go. His loss is a constant ache in my heart, a reminder of the love that we shared and the life that we could have had together. I lost the love of my life. Ours had been the proverbial love-at-first-sight story.
In the days that followed, I found myself trapped in a whirlwind of grief, unable to accept that he was truly gone. I searched for answers in the depths of my soul, wondering what more I could have done and said to save him. But the answers eluded me, slipping through my fingers like grains of sand.
This life-changing tragedy has also left behind invaluable lessons. Depression has no particular face. Depressed individuals with suicidal tendencies often master the art of appearing normal despite their inner turmoil. Behind a facade of smiles and seemingly ordinary behaviour, they may hide profound emotional pain and a sense of hopelessness. I saw it on his face and felt this was not him.
Depression can manifest quietly, without overt signs or visible cues to those around them. They may continue with daily routines, engaging in social activities, and even expressing happiness outwardly, masking the pain and trauma they feel inside. This ability to conceal their suffering can make it challenging for the people around them, to recognise their distress and offer support, leading to a sense of isolation for the individual struggling with suicidal thoughts.
Suicide is a tragedy that extends its reach far beyond the individual who succumbs to it. As I sought professional support following my husband’s passing, my teacher and counsellor shared a poignant insight: “Those who succumb to mental illness find solace in the most compassionate hands, but for those left behind, life becomes an enduring challenge.”
Her words resonated deeply with me. When a loved one takes his/her own life, the repercussions of their absence echo through the lives of those they leave behind. The impact is intense, leaving families and friends grappling with a complex mix of emotions that can scar them forever.
The immediate aftermath of a loved one’s suicide is a period of deep shock and trauma. Such sudden and often unexpected loss can leave survivors in a state of disbelief, struggling to comprehend the reality of what has happened. The questions like ‘Why? Could I have done something?’ haunt their every waking moment. The shock can be so overwhelming that it disrupts normal functioning, leading to a profound sense of disorientation and emotional numbness.
The burden of guilt weighs heavily on those left behind after a loved one’s suicide. Family members often blame themselves, believing they missed signs or could have prevented the tragedy. This self-blame leads to a painful cycle of regret, replaying interactions and questioning every decision. Society’s stigma around suicide only adds to their suffering, causing shame and embarrassment. To avoid judgment, survivors may withdraw, isolating themselves and deepening their feelings of loneliness and abandonment, making the grieving process even more challenging.
Losing loved ones to suicide takes emotional toll on survivors
Losing a loved one to suicide takes an immense emotional toll on survivors, often leading to depression, anxiety, and PTSD. The struggle to understand the tragedy and cope with the pain can result in long-term psychological distress, and some may even find themselves contemplating suicide, trapped in a cycle of despair. This devastating loss can strain family relationships as each member grieves differently, causing misunderstandings and conflicts. Parents, siblings, spouses, and children might unintentionally hurt each other in their attempts to cope, creating rifts that are difficult to heal and permanently altering family dynamics.
While the scars from such an event may never fully heal, there are ways to find a path toward healing. Seeking therapy and counseling provides essential support and tools to navigate grief. Professional guidance helps process complex emotions of guilt and blame. Connecting with others who have experienced similar losses through support groups offers a safe space to share and find comfort. Open communication within the family can bridge gaps created by the tragedy, strengthening bonds. Honoring and remembering the deceased through memorials, activities they loved, or sharing fond memories can bring a sense of closure and keep their spirit alive in a positive way.
Losing my love to suicide was a heart-wrenching experience that left deep scars. The journey through grief has been long and arduous, filled with emotional turmoil, societal stigma, and strained relationships. However, with support, understanding, and time, I’ve found ways to navigate this difficult path and live with the pain. Though the scars may never fully fade, I’ve learned to carry my loved one’s memory with me, finding strength and resilience in the face of unimaginable loss.
Amidst this pain and the grief, there is a flicker of hope, a whisper of his presence that lingers in my heart. And as I hold onto that glimmer of light, I now find peace in our children, the most beautiful gift I received from the Almighty through my husband. I know that even in death, his love will always be with me, his lessons guiding me through the darkness until we are reunited once again. From duniya to jannah.
In dreams we meet, where shadows softly dance,
Your presence felt, in each fleeting glance.
Through starlit skies and whispered sighs,
We reunite where the soul never dies.
In realms unseen, our spirits entwine,
Together forever, in love’s divine shrine
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Sajida, an educator, freelance writer and WHO-certified counsellor, is the widow of Zubair Ahmed, the dynamic journalist, activist and editor of the ‘Light of Andamans’ magazine, based in the Andaman and Nicobar Islands. Having struggled with depression for years, Zubair chose to end his life on July 7, 2022, leaving behind his grieving wife, three children and parents. Sajida can be reached at sajizuby@gmail.com
